Top Quality French Carp Fishing

NEW Lake Record caught on 26th. April 2017 at 76lb 15oz

120 -150 different carp of 40lb. or bigger inc. 50+ different 50lb. plus carp

and 14 different 60lb plus carp And 2 known 70lb plus carp.

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Read Iain MacMillans review of his last trip to Moorlands

Chapter Eight - Characters Wot I ‘av Met

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I would like to recount two stories that I was not involved in but which were told to me and which I found so funny that I want to share with you.

One came from my good friend Clive Humphreys who was working as part of a supply team for the North Sea oil rigs when this happened. Apparently there were three of them working in the same office when, one Monday morning saw one of their number enter the office with his arm and shoulder in a plaster and scaffold harness. The other two stared and then asked the obvious “what happened to you?” The initial reply of “I was helping my dad with his allotment” gave absolutely no clue to the cause of the, obviously severe damage.

When pressed further the whole story gradually emerged. Apparently this lad had been digging over his dad’s allotment in really wet conditions and by the end of the weekend they were both caked in mud. He had cleaned off the tools and was then left with the extra weight of mud clinging to his Wellington boots.

In one corner of the allotment was one of the legs of an overhead power pylon and he used this to lean on so that he could “kick” the mud free from his boots. Just as he began doing this his father walked up behind him. He suddenly saw his son grab the pylon and then start shaking violently.

Thinking that he was being electrocuted he used his own shovel to hit his son, as hard as he could, across the shoulder in order to knock him away from the suspected current.

Result, several fractures and lots of laughs. Thanks Clive.

The next tale is actually a story from another very good friend in David Pougher.

He explained a sort of “initiation” into a group or club within which he had been involved. It relies on the existing members knowing pretty much what is going to happen next and is called “Lancaster Bomber”.

Although David did also explain that he had also been the victim of a sort of “double whammy” while taking part, so beware.

In order to understand the nature of the wheeze it is essential that you know the basics of said Lancaster bomber. It was a very famous World War II heavy bomber with numerous gun positions and 4 engines.

Basically when someone suggests that the group involved should play “Lancaster Bomber” it is necessary for members to choose their preferred positions and then, while carrying a full pint, place their chair in that position.

Once this is complete there should be the basic shape of an aircraft with people sitting in a line to make up the fuselage. For instance, the “nose gunner”, “pilot”, “mid gunner” and “rear gunner” would sit one behind the other. At right angles to these would be another four members, seated two each side, as “port inner” and “port outer” engines as well as “starboard inner” and “starboard outer”.

During the seating arrangements it is normal to persuade the “victim” to sit as port or starboard outer engine. For this example we will seat him at port outer and gradually all will become clear.

Once everyone is seated the pilot will start the evening and the following sequence can be dragged out for as long as you like but should basically go something like this:

Pilot “Prepare for take off. Start port outer.” Port outer “brrmmmmm brrmmm etc.”

Pilot “Start starboard outer.” Starboard outer “brrrmmm, brrmmm etc.”

The pilot then moves on to the inner engines and everyone sitting at engine positions continues to make engine noises while he then goes into a suitable take off routine and crosses the channel. Eventually he will engage the enemy with the typical “bandits at one o’clock, all guns engage, fire at will” and at this point each of the gunners takes up the effect with a “yack a dacker, yack a dacker” plus the occasional “tally ho, got one skipper.”

Until someone puts up the shout, “skipper I think we’ve been hit. It looks like it’s the port wing. I can see smoke.”

At this point the pilot again takes over with “sorry chaps, looks like we’ve ruptured a fuel line and the port outer is on fire. OPERATE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS !!!”

At which everyone throws what’s left of their pints over the gentleman seated at port outer and he should be soaked in beer.

Apparently victims have been seen leaving the scene uttering “bloody Germans.” Class, thank you David.